i repent

i am a horrible person. some of you are thinking, "come on, laura, you're not that bad." others of you are saying, "well, they say the first step is admitting it." well, the truth is, i know who i am, and im definitely not great.

on his live album, "the house show", derek webb talks about how great it would be if we, as christians, got real with each other and confessed our sins to each other. he said that the best thing that could ever happen to him is if his sins were exposed on the 6 o'clock news for everyone to see. im thinkin hes smokin something. but the more i think about it, the more i wish we were more open with each other. i think of all the people that i look up to -- people who seem to be so much more spiritually mature than myself -- people who i try to mark my steps after . . . people who just strike me as christlike. the truth is, though, that everyone struggles . . . everyone sins . so, why is it so hard for us to admit it-- especially to one another? pride? shame? . . .

it fascinates me to think that i could admit my deepest, darkest sins and that admittance could actually encourage someone. but im not brave enough. im also still confused on how sin is sin to God -- we tend to label sins, saying one is worse than another, but that's not how God sees it, and even though i've taught younger people about it, i still dont understand it and i guess i have a hard time accepting it . . . grace, that is.

im not about to confess all my sins right here, but i am repenting of not being more honest with the people in my life who i am called to hold accountable and vice versa. i repent for being too prideful . . . and disobedient. i am going to pray that God shows me how i could use my shortcomings to encourage others and show them how full of mercy and grace God is . . . how much he loves us despite our struggles . . .

disappointment opening to new horizons

what's with disappointment lately? coldplay got cancelled. now ryan long has cancelled his savannah show that was to be at the end of the month. i just found out that new city cafe is ending it's amazing years of bringing amazing music to knoxville. also, i have to decide between driving up there for either ed cash or ryan long in the end of november. i miss living downtown. i miss hanging out with teenagers all day.

sorry-- i need to insert a disclaimer here-- i am fully aware of the fact that my life is amazing, that has nothing to do with me. i have clean running water that i dont have to walk five miles to fetch and then carry back to my house in a heavy, cumbersome bucket resting on top of my head. i never have to worry about food or soap or dying from a mosquito bite. i am blessed beyond the conditions of most people on this planet, and i try not to take those things for granted. i also enjoy being in situations that force me to appreciate the things that seem so common and expected in our culture. ok, moving on . . .

last night i dreamt that i got shot twice and didnt die. i didnt even go to the emergency room. watch out, 50 . . .

so im thinking about moving from savannah. ridiculous, right? i love savannah. all i talked about in college was how much i loved and missed savannah, and now im talking about leaving again. well, heres the deal: i like knowing that life is moving towards something. right now, i find myself stagnant, and in more ways than one. im thankful that God put me in this job where i want out. if i were still teaching, i dont think i'd feel like i need to leave savannah. lately ive begun to realize that moving might be a really good thing for me. im not running from anything; i actually view myself as running towards something if i leave savannah. i think there are parts of me that stopped maturing when i came back home. if i leave again, i think i will grow up more and that idea is exciting to me. i think we all want some sense of adventure going on in our lives, and right now, im not in it. i would even venture to say that my life is boring, and i dont think jesus wants me to settle for that. my life isnt even that challenging right now and thats just lame. so, with that, the hunt begins for a new home. where should i live? open to suggestions . . .

rize, coldplay, the mountains

tomorrow night my friend, emily, and i are going to see rize at the lucas theatre. im dang excited about it. josh, wanna come?--i mean since you love hip hop and all . . .

so last night i saw the most amazing show i've ever seen in my life-- coldplay-- live in birmingham. OH WAIT, NO I DIDNT, B/C IT GOT FREAKIN CANCELLED. chris called me friday afternoon as i was driving through atlanta to let me know that he wasnt feeling to great, so they werent going to do the show. i asked him if there was anything i could do, and he mentioned that he and gwyneth hadnt had a night out in a while, so i offered to babysit apple. it was cool. they just went out to dinner and then we all hung out with the band. they played an acoustic set which was ok. ok, im a liar, but not about the show being cancelled part.

in other news, i do have a ticket to see ben folds in a couple of weeks. hopefully he wont get sick. otherwise ill have to kill him.

beth, my roommate, and i were talking the other day about the beach vs. the mountians. we both grew up here in savannah, just thirty minutes or so from tybee beach, and while it is not the most beautiful beach in the world, it is enjoyable. beth voted for the beach. she loves being the in sun. i voted for the mountians. i fell in love with the mountains as a kid visiting the smokies every summer, and i got to spend a lot of time hiking and camping during college when i lived in tennessee. dont get me wrong, the beach is great, and i like the sun, too, but the mountains just do it for me. there is a sense of mystery and slight danger when youre walking in the woods. i think the ocean is mysterious and dangerous also, but not in the same way. maybe i just like the mountains b/c i like the color green, although i know the answer isnt that simplistic.

cadillacs and long roads

this morning i saw a shiny baby pink cadillac driven by a very large man. it made me smile.

yesterday i got to hang out at scad for a few hours. i met like a gazillion scad kids. it was great. i love how scad kids dress either really cool or just completely off....like way off....and either way theyre totally ok with it.

um, yeah, bit of advice for guys:: when you do get married, dont call a girl you dated or a girl that you "sort of" dated and talk for an hour straight about how you proposed and how perfect your future wife is for you. while the girl you are talking to might be genuinely happy for you, all she is hearing is "this is why i didnt choose you" . just so you know . . .

this morning i was reading some a.w. towzer and i came across this scripture:

then shall we know, if we follow on to know the Lord: his going forth is prepared

as the morning; and he shall come unto us as the rain, as the latter and former rain

unto the earth. -- hosea 6:3

i love the rain. the thought of God pouring himself over us like rain is . . . i cant even pick the right word . . . comforting . . . amazing . . . refreshing . . . beautiful . . . i dont know. also, the promise that he goes before us and, like the morning, everything is already planned out ahead of us. even if the path seems unclear or rough, God knows where he's taking us and all we have to do is trust and follow. the following part is where i find it tricky. i think --overanalyze-- way too much, so sometimes i second guess myself when trying to take a step. i find myself always praying for God to put roadblocks in front of me if im going the wrong way due to my own self-centered desires.

desires-- those trip me up a lot. i want my desires to be Gods, and most of the time i think that they are, but it's not always easy to define. i get confused when i question, "ok, God, is this my desire b/c you want it to be . . . b/c you placed it in my heart or is it my desire b/c it's what i want?" like i said, i analyze a lot . . .

tis not enough to save our souls,

to shun the eternal fires;

the thought of God will rouse the heart

to more sublime desires.

how little of that road, my soul!

how little hast thou gone!

take heart, and let the thought of God

allure thee further on.

--frederick w. faber

Racism

racism is a frequent topic in my daily speech, or at least lately it has been.

the other day i found myself being racist, but probably in a way that is surprising. i made the statement that "i love black people" and that "i'd rather hang out with black people than with white people." this said by a girl who is always saying that "people are just people; color has nothing to do with it." i was being racist b/c i was prefering blacks over whites, when what i really meant was that the sub-culture frequently created by black people is more appealing to me than the sub-culture of white people. well, let's take a closer look . . .

technically, color has nothing to do with people's differences. what makes us different are our experiences. since people tend to hang out with people that they most readily identify with, humans tend to first separate themselves by color, thus developing their own sub-culture with one another that is most easily labeled by color. but, color doesnt really have anything to do with it. take me, for example. if i had been raised by an asian family, i'd still be white on the outside, but my cultural practices would be different from the ones that i learned in my family with two american (white) parents.

ok, here's what really got me started on this whole racism thing::

"[Reverend Jesse] Jackson questioned why Bush has not named blacks to top positions in the federal response to the disaster, particularly when the majority of victims remaining stranded in New Orleans are black: "How can blacks be locked out of the leadership, and trapped in the suffering?"

are you ****ing kidding me? if george bush is a racist and hires based on race (which would be against the law), then "reverend" jackson is just as much of a racist for saying that there should be more blacks. is jackson saying that white people are incompetent? im not trying to make any sort of political statement here. all im saying is that people are people, and if jackson is all about equality, then he should be colorblind and not care what color anyone is in any position. he wouldnt complain if the entire custodial staff at the white house were white people, but i bet he would raise hell if they were all black.

jackson is upset b/c the "top positions in the federal response to the [katrina] disaster" are not black. well what the hell does being black have to do with anything?? people are people. the victims in new orleans need relief. i sincerely doubt that if the black victims see white people coming to help them that they are going to say, "we're sorry, but you're not black. we don't want your help. could please find some black people to help us? that would be foshizzle. thanks."

im not really sure where im going with this now. i was just really pissed when i read that quote from "reverend" (does anyone know why he has that title??). reverend my . . .